He Heals...

I am sitting here studying scripture and preparing my heart for Student Ministry this weekend....and one verse just keeps playing over and over in my head...I can't concentrate...It's all I can think about...

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"

Psalm 147:3

I am broken....HE can heal me...

As I am writing this blog....a song is playing...Kari Jobe "Find You on My Knees"

"But I will find you in the place I'm in, Find you when I'm at my end, Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness"

Obviously, in this moment God is reminding me that HE can heal me...only HE has the power to heal my brokenness. It is my brokenness that will allow me to find HIM. 

When things are tough (no matter how tough) we have to run to Him...He is our refuge....He is our protector. We all need to be reminded at times that we need NOT to focus on earthly things, but instead focus above. 

" The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him" 

Nahum 1:7

"I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name"

Psalm 91:14

Why do we lose sight that God is our protector? Why do we focus on earthly things in times of trouble? Why is it so hard to just SURRENDER and ask GOD for help?

I am the first to admit...I allow my own control issues impact my relationship with the LORD. I always think..."I got this"....but in reality I DON'T!

We need to remember that God is our healer, our protector, our comforter, our Father, our shield, our EVERYTHING. All we need to do is go to HIM!

Father, you are amazing. You know exactly what we need and when. I am begging you to give me the strength and courage to come to YOU when I am broken. Father, I am BROKEN, please heal my brokenness. 2 Corinthians says that we cannot be destroyed, we cannot be abandoned. I pray that I remember YOU are my healer. I pray that I come to your for wisdom in times or need as it says in James 1, without doubt. 

I am broken....but GOD can and will heal me!

It's been a while...

Okay...so a LITTLE while is a bt of a stretch...it has actually been a LONG while! I am thinking that it has been a couple of months, so I login to read some of my old posts and realize that it has been a YEAR AND A HALF! 

So, I decided to get started I was just going to type....

Here it goes...

On thing that I learned a while ago...but God has really been reminding me lately is that I need to take ALL of my problems/issues/concerns to HIM. Not to everyone else...but to HIM.

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." Psalms 55:22

"Cast all your anxiety on him becuase he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

Let'e be honest, the last couple of months I have NOT been casting my cares on the LORD...I have been attempting to "do it myself". For a while, everything seems okay...I "got this", I can handle it! Then....one day....everything comes crashing down and I realize...I NEED GOD! I cannot do this myself.

It is time to stop trying to do everything without going to God first. It is time to stop thinking that I don't need Him. Reality is....I need God more than I ever imagined. 

I am broken....only GOD can heal me and he loves me.

"O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me" Psalm 30:2

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

Father, my prayer is that I learn to cast my cares on YOU and that I surrender my all to you EVERYDAY in every situation. I ask that you give me the strength and the courage to seek you in all that I do, in every decision that needs to be made, in every word that I speak. Thank you for already healing me and continuing to love me even in my brokenness.

Thankful

It is so easy to take for granted everything that God has given to me, gotten me through, protected me from, or guarded my heart from.

Most times we have no idea what God has done until AFTER it is already done. There are times when we are asking WHY and after we look back and say THANK YOU! We do not always know God's plan....but we do ALWAYS have to TRUST him. He really does know what He is doing.

When I gave my life to God and made the decision to follow Him and trust Him with my life, some of those puzzle pieces started to fit together. God began to uncover my eyes and show me just what HE has done for me, what HE has protected me from, where HE brought me from.

Seriously.....look at your past....could you have gotten where you are today if it weren't for GOD? 

So my challenge to you.....really look at your life....take it apart....and thank GOD for what HE has done for you. Without GOD I certainly would not be where I am today or be the person I am today. His plan never fails!

In order to move forward with trusting HIM, we need to be thankful for where we came from. When you are feeling overwhelmed and distant from GOD, look at your past for reminders of how faithful GOD is!

Here are just a few things that God has done for me:

• allowed me to have a child at 18 and a senior in High School (God was ALL over that situation). Even if I wasn't a believe then, looking back I realize I could not have survived without GOD.
• gave me the family that I had (even if it was the "perfect" family). My situation allowed me to become the strong independent women that I am. If I had a different family I would not be the same person.
• I have been through 4 car accidents (only one was my fault), but I survived all of them with no serious injuries
• I have never had MAJOR surgery (just tonsils and wisdom teeth)
• I am fairly healthy (just overweight). I have no MAJOR medical conditions. However, I have a HORRIBLE back that kills me almost daily
• I have ALWAYS had a roof over my head. I lived with my parents, then with one of them once they were divorced. I moved out on my own at 21 with a 3 year old and have been on my own since
• God has always provided a job were I made JUST enough to pay the bills. I always wonder how we are going to make it each month (paycheck to paycheck is how we roll). But the bills always get paid (even if it is late)
• I have always had a car to drive and a way to get from point A to point B (even if the doors wouldn't open on one side because they were smashed in, or you had to open the trunk with a screw driver because it was broken into twice.
• I graduated High School....still trying to figure this one out. I was NOT supposed to graduate....but I did!
• I have a bachelors degree....again trying to figure out how in the world I made it through those classes working full time and being a single mom
• God has gotten me through 13 years of being a single mom!! Hello Miracle!!!
• God has guarded my heart through many BAD relationships (I seem to always want to "fix" people...I know now it isn't my job to "fix" people)
• God has faithfully gotten me through depression and allowed me to see that there is a good side to the world again

This list is just the beginning.....God has been there every step of the way for my entire life.....and will continue to be there for as long as HIS plan is for me to be on earth. 

The point is....we have to be THANKFUL for what HE has done for us.....and be patient in the now. HE will reveal what we need to know when we need to know it. It is not about us....it is always (and has always been) about HIM.

SO......take a look at your life! 

What has GOD done for you?? 

Have you THANKED Him for it???

Obedience

It is absolutely AMAZING what God will do when you let go and let God....when you FULLY surrender to God's will.

I let go and let God in an area of my life where I have completely let fear take over. Most people who know me know that I have been TERRIFIED to pray out loud. I am not even sure if terrified is a strong enough word. It is so bad that I was consumed with the fact that if I even went to open my mouth to begin praying that I would instead throw-up.

Of course....that was anxiety taking over.....and I am not an anxious person (usually).

Over the past 6 months or so, I have started slowly by praying out loud with Brendon every morning on the way to school. Then, on my sometimes long sometimes short drives to work...I began praying out loud by myself. I do realize that it is a little backwards to pray out loud by myself AFTER praying out loud in front of someone else.

About 2 months ago, I was out with friends out to lunch. Somehow...I was tricked/talked...I really don't remember how it happened....but I ended up blessing the food (which was TERRIFYING)!! Granted, there were only like 6 of us there.

Then...Thanksgiving came along....and again I was tricked/talking into blessing the food (STILL terrifying).

Well....that was the last time I have prayed out loud. I have not even prayed out loud in front of my accountability partner/best friend....who knows just about everything about me (good and bad)!

I am a leader in my small group at church, and I know I should be able to pray in front of the people that I am supposed to be helping follow Jesus! I pray every day (and even more on days when we have group) that God would take away the fear and anxiety and allow me to just open my mouth and begin praying out loud.....in front of people!!!

Let me just tell you something.......

GOD IS FAITHFUL, he is amazing, he is always listening, always there for you. He knows best. He has a plan. You just have to TRUST him.

Last night.....I will never forget....and am so grateful for the people that God has put into my life....especially in that moment. Last night.....friends pushed me WAY past my comfort zone....forcing me to step out on faith...completely TRUSTING God.

I was FINALLY able to open my mouth and let the words flow out....without throwing up!! When I was done....I was told that it was beautiful, that I said the right words....

God must have really been speaking....because in my head I was stumbling all over the place...stuttering...repeating myself.....it was not beautiful in my head! THANK YOU GOD for taking over and making those words yours!

The point is.....TRUST and OBEY God and good things will happen. Now that I have FINALLY done what I know he has been telling me to do for a LONG time....it is a HUGE weight lifted. I feel AMAZING that I was able to do it. Still scared to death to do it again and will certainly be leaning to Him for the words to say!

Through our struggles (no matter how big or small) God is there to help us through!

What are you struggling with? When are you going to let God help you through? Have you admitted that you are struggling with something?

ASK GOD!!!

He can help! TRUST Him...COMPLETELY!!

Transformation

So....I started this blog journey to tell people my story....hopefully helping someone (or many) along the way.

I certainly didn't write my first blog for my benefit....instead I wrote it because I felt like GOD was telling me that it was something I should do. Putting my life story out there for the world to see was SCARY to me! Nevertheless I said YES to what GOD was telling me to do!

At first, it felt great...then.................Satan started attacking me! Unfortunately over the last couple of months....I think I let Satan begin to pull ahead in the battle. I began to feel more and more distant from GOD.....and I wasn't liking it AT ALL!

TODAY.....I have come to a realization (thanks to the wonderful sermon today at church)! I needed to stop living a life of religion and start living a life of TRANSFORMATION!!

See, I  now realize that I have been living a life by the "list"....things that I believe a Christian should say, do, act, and so forth. Of course I  have allowed God into my life and so far I have let him change certain things about my life.....but I am not sure I have REALLY....LET GO AND LET GOD! Instead I have allowed him to change the things that I am comfortable with him changing.

Today, God really revealed to me that I needed to stop living my life based on this imaginary "List" and I needed to give up my old life.....so HE can give me a new one!

transform: to change in form, appearance, or structure

 

Romans 12:1-2 (NLT)
"And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to GOD because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and hold sacrifice - the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let GOD transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know GOD's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."

Basically....dare to be different. Give your life to GOD and he will change your heart and desires to match his will.....then.....a transformation will occur. You will become a new you!

Personally.....I am finally ready to be new! Completely new....completely transformed. I have new parts.....but I don't want any part of the old me. I am ready to LET GO AND LET GOD! It is time to FULLY surrender our lives....DAILY...not just when things are a little uneasy. Not just when it is convenient for us....not just when we are around our Christian friends.

SURRENDER DAILY.....GOD WILL TRANSFORM US!!

 

Religion puts a new wrapper on the old product....Jesus puts a new product in the same old wrapper!
(Pastor Smooth Via)

 

My choice...JESUS!!

 

I vow surrender daily...several times a day...I vow to spend EVERYDAY getting to know God better and responding...I vow to put God FIRST in my life...all aspects of my life....even when it may not be convenient or cool to do it....

 

What about you?

Jesus Hugged Me

My life BEFORE Jesus = Incomplete, Miserable, Empty, Sad

My life AFTER Jesus = Complete, Fantastic,

 

What I now know was God.....had been pulling me towards him. Obviously....for years....I said NO thank you. I would continue on about my life MY way. MY WAY......didn't work very well!!

Before I asked Jesus to come into my life........I was a MESS!! Lets walk through a typical day for me..... Get up, go to work, come home, watch TV, go to sleep.......repeat the next day.

I had NO friends....just me and Brendon! I made decent money....I could pay the bills and buy some extra things if I wanted. However....I was NOT happy.....I was DEPRESSED.

I felt like my days were wasting away. I never spent QUALITY time with Brendon....we just say around watching TV. If we "hung out" with anyone it was my mom and her friends......or my dad......or my sister. The only reason we "hung out" with them it to make it somewhat look like I was okay.

Here's the thing.......when things get rough in my life........I RUN and HIDE.....you can try to come and find me and bring me out of my shell.....but GOOD LUCK!!

Not only did I run and hide from the world.....I also gained 90+ pounds. I felt HORRIBLE about myself. Why on earth would anyone every want to be with me.....well what do you think low self esteem does to someone.......it makes them run and hide even further!

And Then.........GOD said......ENOUGH

 

God decided that enough was enough......He was not allowing me to say NO any longer. He grabbed a hold of me and hasn't let go!!

 

April 2010, I visited family/friends in Texas. Chris & Alicia had been trying to speak God & truth into my life for YEARS.....but I didn't even listen. While in Texas......GOD should up BIG!!! I didn't know what was coming. During the church service (Easter Sunday).....the HOLY SPIRIT grabbed a hold of me and wouldn't let go. I honestly do not even know what was being taught this Sunday (I am sorry Chris!!). But the feeling was very overwhelming.....in a GOOD way!

 

It felt like these invisible, strong, protective, loving arms that were wrapped around me. Once these arms were around me I felt safe. I felt like EVERYTHING was going to be okay. The rest of the sermon I was just in AWE and crying joyfully!

 

This was the 1st time I had said YES and given my life to GOD....I Surrendered EVERYTHING!!

 



After I surrendered my life....the rest of my vacation was AMAZING! So amazing that I considered moving to Texas....3 months later! I was making plans while still on vacation about how I was going to move and how things were going to work out!

 

Well, NOW....I realize that I wanted to move to Texas because I thought that's where GOD was! Silly me....

GOD is EVERYWHERE (I know that now).

 

I came home from Texas and immediately started attending church EVERY Sunday. I tried a couple of different churches.....but found my home at Journey Church!

 

September 21, 2010.....I got baptized (Thank you CHRIS)!

 

My life now.....complete! I have been living the past 2.5 years with GOD on my side and I wouldn't change a thing!!

 

Now.....life is not ALWAYS pretty roses....there are still struggles. However....NOW....I had GOD on my side. I have GOD to fight my battles for me. I just have to remember to lean on HIM....not try to handle everything on my own.

 

I said YES......HAVE YOU?? 



My Life....Before Jesus!

Everyone has a story....a testimony....a before they said YES! This is my story, my life, before I knew who God was and before I said YES to following him!

God has been chasing me for a while and has been protecting me LONG before I said yes to him. Finally.....one day HE basically grabbed a hold and never let go...letting me know that enough was enough....it was time to truly give my life to HIM!

Okay.....I supposed it starts when with my childhood....

I grew up in Raleigh, NC with my parents and a younger sister. We were your typical middle class family...not struggling but not buying anything and everything we wanted. Our household was the type that did not show affection much (either physical or emotional). I did not hear the words "I Love You" very often. Instead I often felt like I was a burden. I felt like my mom was always having me do ALL the housework....my little sister never had to do anything! Of course I was a child....not sure how much housework (chores) I really had to do compared to other kids my age. I did not get along much with my mother. I was definitely a Daddy's girl (and still am!).

Fast forward several years........

When I was 17, my Mom made a life changing decision for our family. Mom decided that she was not happy with my Dad (and had apparently been thinking about this for several years). Mom was not happy because she wasn't attracted to men...instead she was attracted to women. So.....Mom left and took my little sister with her. I stayed with my Dad. About 2 months after Mom left....I began my Senior Year of High School!!! As if my Senior Year wasn't going to be hard enough.....now I had to do it without half of my family.

Living with my Dad...I became his EVERYTHING. I cleaned the house....I paid the bills (with his checkbook)....I cooked dinner....I went to the grocery store...I did laundry...I did EVERYTHING! I was now the MOM.....at 17!! Not something any 17 year old wants to have to handle ALONE! (I now know that God was with me the entire time....there is no way I could handle survived that truly ALONE....God was protecting me and helping me through it)

Well.......

After about 2 months of being EVERYTHING for my Dad......I decided to rebel against everything I was taught growing up. I decided that I was going to skip school.....try alcohol....try drugs....not come home when I was supposed too.....and then....sex. Once I had sex....I didn't stop. Within 2 months of Mom leaving......guess who was pregnant.......yep.....that would be ME!

So....I find out I was pregnant (once again God showed up.....I did not know that back then). Never once did the thought ever occur to have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption. I never once thought "how in the world am i going to do this at 17"......all I knew at that moment.....I was going to have a baby (as a Senior in High School...I was a baby myself).

Well....the first 4 months of my pregnancy was an adventure.....meaning I was still living the life I was living that got me pregnant in the first place (never at home....out with friends all the time....certainly not going to school as I should). Thankfully I had friends that would not allow me to drink, smoke, or do drugs while I was pregnant. (Again.....God was protecting me....I just did not know it was HIM at the time)

While....the adventure stopped.....at the 4 month mark.....something DEVASTATING happened......I thought I was having a miscarriage! Again...only 17 years old....Mom not at home any longer. Well....I called Mom....she was living across the street (literally across the street). I told Mom that I thought I was having a miscarriage.....her response.....

"When then I guess you need to call an ambulance"

Okay....at 17 years old....having a miscarriage....those are NOT the words you want to hear from your MOTHER. I was calling her for HELP!! So, I had to turn to a friend (Thank you God for Alicia Moore). Alicia came and took me to the hospital....where I later found out that I was lucky to come in when I did.....I almost lost the baby!

Almost losing my baby......that was enough to scare me into living a better life and taking care of myself and my baby. (Again, thank you God for saving my baby's life and being there for me through the rough times). The next several months went well. I just hung out with my Dad, Chris, and Alicia. They were my life....and of course my unborn baby.

Well....Baby decided that he had enough growing inside of my belly.....Baby decided that he wanted to enter the world a MONTH early!! I was SOOOOOOO not ready for this! (Obviously God thought that I was).

May 24, 1999 @ 5:02 pm

One of the HAPPIEST and SCARIEST moments of my life

Welcome to the the world Brendon Dre McCauley! We had some major hiccups with Brendon entering the world. He was placed in the NICU under oxygen tanks and hooked up to so many things. You would think that at 18 now.....I would be TERRIFIED! Nope......I was calm....I was just so HAPPY to have my beautiful baby boy.....still not thinking about HOW this was all going to work out (Thank you GOD for giving me the peace that I needed and the strength to get through it....although I did not know it was GOD then).

and THEN it begins......the downhill part of my life......

.........Brendon is probably about a year old. My best friend at the time was in College! I was still living with my Dad. I decided I wanted to live the college life with her. SO.....just about every weekend I would pack up me and Brendon and we would drive to Greenville, NC. We would party at my friends house/dorm/apartment. We would drink just about every weekend. I resorted to have lots of sex, often times with guys I had just met. Not proud....but at times slept with multiple people in one weekend (and a couple times slept with multiple people in the same night). The ONLY reason I made it out of this season of my life with a healthy child and not killed, arrested, and disease free is becuase GOD was watching over me and protecting me the entire time.....I had NO IDEA!

When Brendon was 2....I was about to turn 21.....I moved out of my Dad's house (still no REAL relationship with Mom)....I got an apartment all to myself.....and had to pay for EVERYTHING all by myself as well. I really thought I was grown and could handle it. I had stopped partying quite so much (still occasionally) and decided to be an adult (or at least attempt to). At this point in my life my sister was bouncing between Mom and Dad's house....every 6 months or so she decided to go live with the other one becuase she was unhappy. I stepped up and became the responsible BIG sister....she moved in with me (I was 22 and she was 16 almost 17 and a high school drop out)

So....now I am a 22 year old single mom of a 4 year old and a 17 year old! NOT what I called fun!

Well, financially.......it was ONLY me.....my sister wasn't even working to help pay the bills....instead she was causing more financial troubles for me. At the time I was working a full-time job at a jewelry store. I was making decent money, but no where near enough to provide for my entire household. So.......I got the bright idea.......lets steal from my job and pawn it for more money

                                .........NOT SO BRIGHT.......HUGE NO NO!!!

So......YEP....I get caught! (Again, GOD is with me the ENTIRE time). I got charged with embezzlement. I ended up having to do 225 hours of community service followed by a little over $2000 in restitution. GOD IS GOOD......after all that......it was expunged off my record! Huge lesson learned! Without GOD.....my survival of that situation would have not been possible.

About this same time I was in a relationship with a guy. This guy was NOT Brendon's father (thats a story for another day). This relationship was pretty serious.....we were talking about moving in together. He was there with me through my criminal issues. Well.....of course we were having SEX.....and what happens when you aren't careful....well you end up pregnant (you think I would have learned the first time). I was not quite so at peace with this pregnancy....very scared....unsure of how this was going to work out (VERY different from my first pregnancy). To this day.....I am still not okay with my decisions in this situation. I did the unthinkable.....I NEVER was okay with my decision....but I did not think I had a choice. I had an abortion......and regret that deicision EVERYDAY! I let my relationship talk me into something that was against everything I believe in.....and the relationship didn't last. He turned into an alcholic that was awful to me and Brendon. I stayed in the relationship for a couple of years (thinking this was the best I would get)

Finally...God gave me an out (now knowing it was GOD)....... I found out that this guy I was living with was cheating on me. For the next year, we still had to live together (and it was HORRIBLE)....
but God got us through.

In 2005, Brendon and I finally moved  out and go our own place again. Several months later.....my Mom moved in with us (ironic I know). We ended up growing closer together over the years and became best friends. She was going through a rough time an leaving a relationship and moved in with me for a couple months until she got back on her feet. After Mom moved out.....I tried dating again with not so much luck. 8 months after I ended the HORRIBLE relationship I had gained about 80lbs....not feeling so good about myself!

SKIPPING.....some boring details.....

From 2005 until 2010, my good friends (Brendon's God parents) tried to get me active in Church (BTW - I did not grow up in a Christian home). I went from time to time....but it never really stuck. God kept showing up and helping us get through life....but I never really know that it was GOD. I never gave my life to him.....never knew what that meant. I knew something was missing....I just didn't know what.

Well Guess What.....GOD finally grabbed a hold of and never let go!

April 2010.....Brendon and I were in Texas...visiting Chris and Alicia Moore. Easter Sunday, April 4th, 2012, my 29th birthday at Wave Church (Chris was the Pastor) in Frisco, TX........God got me.....he grabbed hold tight and gave me the BIGGEST hug I had ever gotten or even knew existed.

Overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit I gave my life to God!

Now today.....I LOVE GOD and can't thank him enough for watching over Brendon and I throughout our lives. We would not be here today if it weren't for God's protection. We are living proof that anything is possible with God...I am still alive and healthy with a beautiful 13 year old boy becuase of HIM....all HIM!

The only explanation for my life is GOD! I know I may have missed several parts of my walk and several ways God showed up big....but I think I got the main ones.

The moral of my story......

I SURRENDERED my life.....God is in CONTROL!